Saturday, 17 August 2013

Room 101

The lovely Charlotte at Distressed Housewife tagged me in to the Room 101 meme, started by Stickers Stars and Smiles, and as being sarcastic and moaning are my absolute two favourite things to do, I jumped right on it. There have been a few of these now, all of which are a lot funnier than the one you are about to read, so have a look at the other links if you fancy a giggle. 
I have three things to banish into Room 101, and I'm going to kick off with my most controversial one, that will instantly get the backs up of 50% of the people reading it. Here goes.

1. Cats. I know, I know, a lot of people love them. But seriously? The little feckers make direct, prolonged eye contact with you. They just stare. And see into your very soul. This is not in a good way. Whatever you cat owners think they are thinking, they are NOT sensing that you are a little down today, and planning a purr and a cuddle on your lap for therapy. They are plotting ways to bring you down and then kill you. And they don't like you. Cats don't like anyone. My spaniel greets me every time I come in the room by haring around trying to find me a present. Usually a shoe. Even if I've literally walked out, and then walked back in again. She bloody loves me. I will accept that this also probably means she's a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic, but I'm happy with that. Why would I live with a pet that is a) more intelligent than me and b) wants to kill me? Why?

2. Mike The Knight. I had a few issues choosing this irritating little brat, as cbeebies is positively swimming with them. I've already said my piece about Postman Pat, world's crappiest postman, in another post. Mike is the one I shall banish forever. For teaching my sons and any other under five that basically life is all about behaving as brattishly (real word) as possible at all times, and then when it all goes tits up making a half arsed attempt at sorting out your mess and apologising for it afterwards. "Hey kids! Do whatever the hell you like! Smear poo on the walls! As long as you use a biro afterwards to colour eyes on it and make a turdy hedgehog mural everything is OK!"

3. Rides outside shops. I have a little secret. I am one of those mothers. I wore my babies in a sling, I feed them home cooked organic food, and I knit them jumpers out of my own hair. One of those isn't true. I also only let them watch cbeebies because I don't want them exposed to adverts. I love plonking them in front of the TV so I can play candy crush  make them dinner as much as the next person, but I just hate hate adverts aimed at children. I was also under the foolish misguided impression that if my sons don't watch adverts, I will avoid the whiney "I want I want I want" requests surrounding toys etc. It was working wonderfully, until J worked out that the ride on machines outside shops were there for him. Now I am that mother with the child screaming "I don't want to go home! I want to ride on noddy/thomas/scoop for the 400th time" that I used to pity and swear I would never be. 

And breathe. That was fun. I now tag in the lovely @Redpeffer at

Wednesday, 7 August 2013

An answer for everything

I popped in to my new place of work today. Everyone was very lovely, very welcoming, and I'm truly looking forward to starting in September. However, being the new girl after seven years in the same job is uber wierd. I don't know where anything is. I took a wrong turn every time I left a room I was in, and had to pretend I had walked down the corridor and back again for a Very Important Reason. I picked stuff up to sort it, then just sort of, put it back, because I didn't really know what to do with it. I don't do well in this sort of situation - I like to be in control, sure of myself, and lets face it, a bit bossy. 

So I have decided to adopt my eldest sons method of dealing with life, and have a few key answers to any question or situation. I'm quite confident they will get me through any tricky spots.

J's Method of Dealing With Awkward Questions: 
Me: "Why are you squashing your brother between the sofa cushions?" 
J:"Because it's brilliant". 
Quite confident I can breezily shout "because it's brilliant!" When someone questions why I have announced I am off to the staff room and instead have walked in to the toilets three times in a row.

J's Method of Getting Your Own Way: 
Me: "J, I have asked you not to eat that play dough/throw things at the dog/dig up my plants/ wee on the floor..." 
J: "Mummy, go and make yourself a cup of tea/go and sit down/go inside".
This is NOT done in a caring suggesting type of voice, it is barked at full volume. The aim is to order the offending person OUT of your airspace so you can continue misbehaving. I'm hopeful that my lovely new colleagues will respond to me shouting "go into the staff room IMMEDIATELY!" In their faces to cover up the fact that I'm a bit lost and therefore not actually doing anything constructive. They'll love it.

J's Method of Not Doing As He's Told:
Me: "J, tidy up your toys please".
J: "Can't mummy, I'm too small. I'll tidy up when I'm a man".
I think, "I can't, I'm too new, I'll do it when I've been here a few years" will probably be my safety net for a while.

If all else fails, I'll go for a direct J quote of "I can't hear you, the clouds have fallen out the sky and got in my ears".

I might start J up as a motivational speaker. How To Progress In Your Career And Impress Your Lovely New Boss.